Dan St. Yves: You’ve got spam!

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Back when my main website was still active (before two webhosts went broke on me), one of my most popular columns posted there was a riff on email spams. You’ve probably received missives like these yourself over the years. This scam…uhh…I mean spam has pretty much been replaced by Viagra and Canadian pharmacy ads now.

So, what the heck – let’s see if it still has some legs, with a slight bit of variation in the preamble to make it relevant for this audience.        

Email is a wonderful thing, allowing communication from friends and family all around the world. It can also be a terrific tool for marketing your real estate business. Occasionally though, your own in-box just might receive a puzzling communication from somewhere out there in the world, a virtual plague that has come to be known as spam:

Dearest Kind Friend,

My name is Prince Pep See Kollah, first and most great son of His Majesty King Koh Ka Kollah. We are emirates of the Carbon Nation, wealthy thanks to vast supplies of Styrofoam peanuts, used mainly in your North American electronic component packaging. They are also somewhat delightful barbecued.

You may well wonder why I, a great and wealthy man, may be sending you this message, perhaps entirely clearly out of the blue. Let me assure you that you have come highly recommended to me and my father, as we have need of your special expertises.

However, this must remain ENTIRELY CONFIDENTIAL! You should not speak of this request to any living person, be they related, or even at your fine North American McDonald restaurants. I would especially decide you not inform family members with any sort of formal education of schooling. Or Spidey senses.

Also, be very assured that there is NO RISK whatsoever to your own fine personal wealth, as this proposition can only enhance your large current standing.

Friendly person, our country stands at a grave crisis. Forces lurk that perspire to halt production of our Styrofoam peanuts, perhaps plunging this great nation into irreversible chaos and misfortune. I am not at liberty to explain how this could come to be, but you must trust me, my friend, as I am a very honest and physically agile man.

Dearest loving companion, we have decided along with our treasurer that we could possible safely deposit US$45 million (FORTY-FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) into your own bank account, until this madness ends. Naturally you would be entitled to any interest on these humble funds, and my father and I would gladly share US$5 million (FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) with you as a beneficiary contractor to steward this temporary assistance.

Carbon Nation salutes you, my North American hope, as you are a kind and selfless guardian of peoples. We envy your flawless antelopes!

You must forward to me immediately upon receipt of this request several assisting matters:

a) Your bank information, for us ONLY to deposit this money. And your PIN, as we must view this account through our local ATM machineries.

b) Your VISA card number and expiry date, as we will also gladly pay the balance off for you once this matter has settled.

c) Accurate contact information for Mr. Justin Bieber. He is truly the new Justin of Timberlake!

Please I must also request that you never try to contact me personally. Those that wish us harm are ever vigilant, and it is our strongest desire to continue peanuts for your electronics.

Best of wishes,

Prince Pep See Kollah

Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at www.nonsenseandstuff.com, or contact him at [email protected].

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