Just ahead of the holiday “diet obliteration”/“fall-off-the-good-behaviour-wagon” stretch through into the new year, I thought I might combine a common human dilemma with an iconic image of the holiday and/or winter season – the snowman.

After all, how many tall, slender snowmen do you ever see in a front yard? Most often they are oversized mounds of overflowing snow balls, and maybe, just maybe their unheard pleas ARE to be as thin as the tree branches they have for arms.

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If a snowman had to drop a few pounds, where would they turn? What tactics might they employ?

This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. So that you don’t have to suffer sleepless nights as I do, I hereby present:

The Snowman Weight Loss Program – 20 Steps for Lightening the Snow Load:

  1. Leave your snowman out in the hot sun, during a warm and lengthy El Niño.
  2. Groom your snowman with a blow dryer, regardless of how hairy he might be overall.
  3. Hot showers for Frosty.
  4. As a display pedestal for your snowman, consider a buffet warming plate.
  5. Bear hugs, from an actual bear. Better yet if the bruin is emotionally needy.
  6. Interrogate your snowman under hot light.
  7. Jenny Craig. Enuff said.
  8. Store your snowman indoors – perhaps you have an unventilated attic?
  9. Flamethrower practice (Note: where readily available, and legal. Always practice your flamethrower skills under strict supervision from a qualified expert.)
  10. Leave your snowman out in the incandescent glow of any given Kardashian.
  11. Allow for a lingering twerk from a Sumo wrestler.
  12. Bubble bath therapy.
  13. Bring your snowman along on your annual hot springs getaway.
  14. Leak to a shady colleague that your snowman ripped off a dealer linked to a member of the Sopranos organization.
  15. Buy your snowman a gym membership. You can always try convincing him that it’s a…Good Life!
  16. When your snowman misbehaves, give him a timeout in the corner. Of your furnace room.
  17. Consider building your snowman with a combination of Icy Melt, Pocket Warmers and wet snow.
  18. You will have the trimmest snowman in the neighbourhood if you construct him inside of your hot rock sauna room.
  19. Leave your snowman out in the field amongst your many hundreds of head of cattle – and provide them with a diet that is sure to ramp up their methane output.
  20. Appoint your snowman to the position of Head of Politically Correct Enforcement Online, and he will spend so much time with steam coming out of his ears at the things he will see on Facebook alone, he will maintain a weight that is absolutely perfect.

Hopefully one of these tips can be helpful. If not, there’s no law that says you need to clutter your lawn with a snowman in the first place!

Happy winter!


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